Kyle

The Legend of Kyle

 

(also known as: Kyle’s Page / Kyle Files / Kyle, Are You Okay?)

 

Kyle was not hired. He simply arrived. One day, he was just… here. Sitting at a desk that didn’t exist until he sat in it. His name badge was already printed. His coffee mug read “World’s 73rd Best Summoner.” We never asked questions. We knew better.

 

Kyle’s Roles at CardsMYTHS:

    •    Customer Support

    •    Shipping & Logistics

    •    Portal Maintenance (level 1 clearance only)

    •    Lead Screamer during surprise lore events

    •    Keeper of The Refund Button (he lost it once—it bit him)

 

Things Kyle Has Been Injured By (this fiscal year):

    •    Rogue top-loader avalanche

    •    Printer possessed by a limited-edition foil

    •    A single powerful glare from R_R_Miles

    •    The cursed “Dooley Tracker” activation sequence

    •    Himself (emotionally)

 

Things Kyle Is Not Allowed to Touch Anymore:

    •    The Intern Summoning Bell

    •    Live panda mascots

    •    Lore-sensitive envelopes

    •    Anyone named “Greg”

    •    The forbidden vending machine marked “DON’T”

 

Kyle Fun Facts:

    •    Sleeps with one eye open, the other uploading lore

    •    Speaks fluent lowercase binary

    •    Once built an entire fulfillment system out of unpaid parking tickets and hope

    •    Believes every customer message is a cry for help. He’s usually right.

 

A Message From Kyle:

 

“Please stop mailing us jars of mayonnaise labeled ‘lore essence.’ Also, I never said I was okay. I said I was operational.”

 

— Kyle, mid-scream, April 17th (we think)

 

⸻

 

If you see Kyle:

    •    Offer snacks.

    •    Speak gently.

    •    Don’t mention the shipping label incident of 2022.

 

If you are Kyle:

You are loved.

But also, your PTO request has been denied.

 

⸻

 

Thank you, Kyle. You didn’t choose the CardsMYTHS life. It chose you, legally and spiritually.

 

We salute you.